Do you love me?

Everyone ask this stupid question all the time. I've been asking it over and over again because when I look at myself, I am not sure of what could be loved at all. I wonder how could everyone have so little self-confidence. Is this world all that hard or are we just all that weak? Our solution seems to be to mate. If we are in a couple then we keep a pool of safety without being lonely.

Well, that's fine with me. When I am with you I feel so much safer, although it scares me to depend on someone else. That's okay, I know it scares you too so I feel normal.
Honey, do you love me? Should I praise you more to make you love me more? How should I act? No no. Wait. I'm sure we wouldn't be happy if I were your puppy. But will you bear me if I am myself? Could anyone bear me?

And here we are again. Well, no-one is ever satisfied with himself, his life or with the world and I neither. I still think there are things to change with myself and my life, at least I feel better when you are around. But still, I wonder, do you love me?

Love can help me know my name *

* Extract from Love's divine - Seal






This is a confidence : I am in love.
But it's never been like this before. It's very quiet. It's not this rush of emotions running through my body. I have the feeling I need to fake them. I mean, if it's not urging within me, is it really love? Are these feelings alive? Sometimes I wonder if it's there and sometimes I just don't doubt.

I have ups and downs but it kills me if he feels bad, which is the way he feels at the moment. Why can't I control that? I feel his emotions so much that I feel even worse. Maybe even more so because he doesn't want to talk about it. It kills me not to be able to relieve him from a part of his burden. I'd be so glad just to take some for myself "prendre ta douleur". I know how to handle my own pain but what about his?

I've probably been relying too much on him. I can't help myself. But if I can't do the same for him then I'm just a burden and that's not what I want. I need him to look up on me, not down.

He likes our life together, that's good. But how long will that be enough for him? And for me?
I have to fight for myself more. I'm looking down upon myself and that cannot help me. I need to be more confident. I need to be sure that where we're heading is what I want. I do feel good but I'm missing society and friends. I need to work for that. If I feel better with myself, then i'll feel better in my couple.

Alright then, let's just work for it.

Mellie, december 2008