* Extract from Love's divine - Seal
This is a confidence : I am in love.
But it's never been like this before. It's very quiet. It's not this rush of emotions running through my body. I have the feeling I need to fake them. I mean, if it's not urging within me, is it really love? Are these feelings alive? Sometimes I wonder if it's there and sometimes I just don't doubt.
I have ups and downs but it kills me if he feels bad, which is the way he feels at the moment. Why can't I control that? I feel his emotions so much that I feel even worse. Maybe even more so because he doesn't want to talk about it. It kills me not to be able to relieve him from a part of his burden. I'd be so glad just to take some for myself "prendre ta douleur". I know how to handle my own pain but what about his?
I've probably been relying too much on him. I can't help myself. But if I can't do the same for him then I'm just a burden and that's not what I want. I need him to look up on me, not down.
He likes our life together, that's good. But how long will that be enough for him? And for me?
I have to fight for myself more. I'm looking down upon myself and that cannot help me. I need to be more confident. I need to be sure that where we're heading is what I want. I do feel good but I'm missing society and friends. I need to work for that. If I feel better with myself, then i'll feel better in my couple.
Alright then, let's just work for it.
Mellie, december 2008
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