Doubt whirlpool

I hate this feeling. I hate myself like this. I want to stop everything. Set me free!

Why everything has to be this way? Why did all this happen now? Why do I even have feelings? Do I really have them?
I am always the same, i don't learn, i don't change. The same mistakes all the time. I was so sure nothing would happen, I would not feel anything. It was too soon. I was so sure this would be a waste. It will be but not the way I expected it.

The same again, no future, no perspective and a relationship to live in the present. A relationship I don't understand, I'm afraid of. What's all this for? Being hurt again? I was feeling good. I was. Now I realise it was more than I allowed myself to believe. Is it because I am leaving that I feel this way?

Mellie, february 2008