Evènement ch'ti sur la grand place de Lille, France

Passion eagerness

I miss you already.

These words are so simple, too simple, makes me smile. I'm not a writer. They are true though, even though you did not even leave yet. If I wanted to, I could just go to see you right now. I've already done such crazy things, I hope I'll still do them in the future.

What you give me is all I ever wanted. It frightens me. This is my first time, I live this for the first time. Someone who loves me and for whom i'm falling as well. I try to keep my head cold but you just want more and more. Please just give me the time. The time for us to know each other, for you to calm down, for me to truly say I love you.

Am i done for that? Am i a person who wants a serious relationship? A relationship at all? What do i really want? So far i'm living it as it is and i like it. For how long? Do i just think too much or am i lying to myself?

My mood and my thoughs are so unstable. I'm only living and staying thanks to the certainties i always had. These led my way all my life long. And the main one is that I would never say "leave me since I don't want to live my life fully".

Man that one is just so true. Fear overwhelms me sometimes. I don't know where I'm going, where we are going. I'm lost and afraid, but my will is strong enough, and I will not let it fall apart. I like it so far, very much. It's already unique for me.

I remember that one movie i never watched but the meaning of these words just stroke me: "if ever you are lost, you don't know where to go, don't hazardously choose your way. Stop there, sit down and listen to heart. Once you hear it, stand up and go where it leads you".

I will wait and see. I don't want to hurry.

Mellie, july 2007

Paris plage, France

Doubt whirlpool

I hate this feeling. I hate myself like this. I want to stop everything. Set me free!

Why everything has to be this way? Why did all this happen now? Why do I even have feelings? Do I really have them?
I am always the same, i don't learn, i don't change. The same mistakes all the time. I was so sure nothing would happen, I would not feel anything. It was too soon. I was so sure this would be a waste. It will be but not the way I expected it.

The same again, no future, no perspective and a relationship to live in the present. A relationship I don't understand, I'm afraid of. What's all this for? Being hurt again? I was feeling good. I was. Now I realise it was more than I allowed myself to believe. Is it because I am leaving that I feel this way?

Mellie, february 2008

Arbre sur la Marne, La Varenne, France

Love can help me know my name *

* Extract from Love's divine - Seal






This is a confidence : I am in love.
But it's never been like this before. It's very quiet. It's not this rush of emotions running through my body. I have the feeling I need to fake them. I mean, if it's not urging within me, is it really love? Are these feelings alive? Sometimes I wonder if it's there and sometimes I just don't doubt.

I have ups and downs but it kills me if he feels bad, which is the way he feels at the moment. Why can't I control that? I feel his emotions so much that I feel even worse. Maybe even more so because he doesn't want to talk about it. It kills me not to be able to relieve him from a part of his burden. I'd be so glad just to take some for myself "prendre ta douleur". I know how to handle my own pain but what about his?

I've probably been relying too much on him. I can't help myself. But if I can't do the same for him then I'm just a burden and that's not what I want. I need him to look up on me, not down.

He likes our life together, that's good. But how long will that be enough for him? And for me?
I have to fight for myself more. I'm looking down upon myself and that cannot help me. I need to be more confident. I need to be sure that where we're heading is what I want. I do feel good but I'm missing society and friends. I need to work for that. If I feel better with myself, then i'll feel better in my couple.

Alright then, let's just work for it.

Mellie, december 2008

The Great Wall, China / La Grande muraille de Chine

A mes amis

Voici mon histoire :
Elle commence il y a plus de trois ans,
Je sortais d’un cauchemar,
D’un monde qui rejette ceux qui sont différents.

J’étais une enfant seule et introvertie
Et pourtant, chacun votre tour vous m’avez sourit ;
Peu à peu, nous avons construit un foyer,
Un endroit dans le cœur où j’aime me réfugier.

Les uns après les autres, au fil des temps,
Vous avez tous apporté votre contribution.
Et malgré les peines, les histoires et les séparations,
Je n’aurais jamais voulu qu’il en soit autrement.

Il n’y a rien à présent que je regrette
Mais une chose, une seule que je souhaite :
Pour toujours, gardez cette flamme qui brille
Dans vos cœurs, et restons cette grande famille.

Mellie, december 2001

Self reflexions

I want to make this world a better place. I'm only one person and I am nothing exceptional. At least, I have this strong wish that people feel better when they are around me. I am a good person. My goals are good and my requests reasonable. You cannot do that if you do not feel good yourself.
Some people will find me tasteless. Unfortunately, they matter to me. All of them. Everybody have their weaknesses. Other people will be there to protect me, is not that beautiful?

I want to live my life fully. If I feel pain, if I feel desperate, if I feel lost, then I know I am alive. I do not want a life without pain, because you have to know pain to know happiness. You have to know fear to know courage. You have to feel desperate to feel overwhelmed.
I love life. Life brings you treasures. I don't want to protect myself, I need to know I am better than that. Everyday life is my biggest challenge, I never managed to face it by myself. Crisis is easy to handle.

I came here, this place is not for me. I feel I could loose myself here, my values, my real goals. I was lucky it did not happen. Here you forget who you are and become your goals. Your forget time goes by and to look around you. Here you fill-in your life with emptiness. I am not empty, I am me and my past. I am the people I loved and still love and the others as well. They are a part of me. I love you.

Mellie, december 2007

Mon Homme

Tu es ce que je connais de plus proche d'un homme, dans tous les sens du terme.

Tu es décidé, tu fais des choix et tu t'y tiens. Tu es droit, tu fais toujours ce qui te semble juste. Tu prends simplement tes responsabilités, sans détour. Tu as ces qualités qui font que tu es un adulte, quelqu'un à qui on peut faire confiance et qui sait ce qui est bon pour lui et pour ses proches. Tu es fidèle, honnête et fier, comme un chef de famille. Et dans ta stature, je trouve un leader et quelqu'un de fort et droit.

Tu es sensible et généreux. Tu as le coeur sur la main, et tu le distribues sans compter aux gens ki en sont dignes à tes yeux. La sérénité est ce qui émane de toi, et lorsque tu me souris, je lis juste de la joie sur ton visage. Tu as des yeux pleins de tendresse et de douceur. Il t'arrive d'être blessé, ou mal dans ta peau, mais tu luttes toujours contre ca pour être ce pilier de stabilité pour ton entourage. Tu es humain et empathique, et tu es capable de te donner pour les autres.

Mon chéri, mon homme, si homme il existe il prendra exemple sur toi.

Mellie, january 2009

To my friends on the other side of the world

Is there anything to say really?
You know as well as I do that someday, it would have happened. We met, we lived together and in the end took different directions. All that is important to me is we were friends. Friends for a moment or forever, does that matter?

We lost ourselves dancing on the hard beat of some crazy music. We whispered confidences at a table of some cafes. We laughed and drank in that restaurant with half the people at the table hardly known. This city is crazy and so are you.
These moments were out of time. I left and took these memories with me. They will remain.
Finally I don't have much to say except : thank you.

Mellie, may 2008

Geku, Japan

Welcome to all travelling souls / Bienvenue à toutes les âmes voyageuses

[French below]

There are 2 things that I will not try to hide : I am French and have traveled a lot (and will again). I will not translate all my writings, they are not done for that. They are just a moment, a feeling or an idea. I have no real purpose for that blog yet. A kind of diary? A summary of all my journeys? All that I cannot say since I do not know.
What I do know though, is that this is a blog for all people who's mind keep flying away. You, who are always dreaming, hoping or asking yourself questions about anything. It's as simple as that. Not a wandering soul but simply traveling in the realms of imagination and thought.
I hope that you will enjoy that blog as well as I enjoyed making it.

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Il y a 2 choses que je n'essayerai pas de cacher : je suis Française et j'ai beaucoup voyagé (et je vais continuer). Je ne vais pas traduire tous mes textes, ils ne sont pas faits pour ça. Ils sont juste un moment, un sentiment ou une idée. Je n'ai pas décidé ce que ce blog contiendra exactement. Une sorte de journal? Un résumé de tous mes voyages? Je ne pourrais dire car je ne sais pas.
Ce dont je suis sure, c'est que c'est un blog pour les âmes qui s'échappent. Vous, sans cesse en train de rêver, espérer ou de se poser des questions sur tout. C'est aussi simple que ça. Pas une âme errante, seulement une âme qui parcourt les recoins de son imagination et de ses réflexions.
J'espère que vous aimerez lire ce blog autant que j'ai aimé le faire.